Pit Letters
by outerelf
Summary: A series of communications between the two gate guards of the pit.


_To My Dear Brother Sideswipe_,

How hast thine trip up to the surface been? I knowest thou hast been doing many interesting things, and no doubt hast been a downfall to many that pass by your way. I admit, it hast been a bit of a bore, knowing thou art up on the surface world, tempting others. The gate guarding down here hast been going well, and none hast been attempting escape.

From thy brother,

Sunstreaker

-----

_To my bro Sunny_:

Your writing is several hundred thousand vorns outta date. Sunny, really! For someone that takes such pride in guarding the gate of the Pit, you really know how to make a soul feel glad. I thought you were supposed to make me feel unhappy! Joking, joking.

Anyways, the trip up here has been well spent. In my 'baby and child form' I managed to convince my father creator that he should abuse me, and 'beat me up' while 'doing incest and rape'. Pah, I had trouble remembering not to laugh out loud as I wrapped those chains about his neck to identify him to you when he finally died. Right now I'm attempting to get him to start abusing his lover, but she- oh, I hate looking at her. She's filled with that hateful Light, and is always _smiling_ without malice. No malice, nothing.

Of course, I could've sworn I saw a crack today when I sneered at her. You really ought to come on up with me sometime. Between the two of us, we could drive a saint to the Pits, and have him thanking us for it.

Anyways, I'm off. I've gotten a really good idea about helping to start a war. I'm going to go contact one of our agents that has what's-his-name- Mega-somethin' firmly on the way to the Pits, and see if we can't stir up a war. It should be easy enough. He's aching for it apparently, but hasn't because of no real good enough reason.

Bye, Sideswipe.

-----

_Sideswipe_,

I told you not to call me Sunny. The Pit doesn't feel the same without you, and I can write in non-ancient forms of writing. The problem is that I don't feel like it. Besides which, If I left the gates, not only would the Guard Master come after us, but Unicron would be mad as well. I have no wish to end up on the lower circle. Again.

But I'm glad to hear you've been having fun up on the surface. I'll make certain to keep an eye out for the mech you mentioned, and I'll personally escort him down to the lower level of the pits.

I admit, you tempt me with the thought of war. After all, War is such a beautiful thing, filled with meaningless suffering, and it helps make the best believers of Primus into disbelievers.

Have you gone towards the gladiator business that we used to work for before selling our souls and becoming the Gate guards? I'm interested to know how much they've changed.

From, Sunstreaker

P.S. The Gate Master is still running around trying to find a proper replacement. I don't think he's having too much luck.

P.P.S. The Gate Master found your letter, read it, and is currently swearing up a storm. I don't think he enjoys the idea of having a war. (And could you see why he's down here and is the Gate Master? He still refuses to share his story on how he sold his soul)

-----

_My dear Sunny_,

If I can't annoy you, then what am I supposed to do? And of course the Pit isn't the same without me! If it was, then we wouldn't be gate guards. Of course, the Pits have always been a very unique place, filled with all sorts of interesting people.

But I digress. I just managed to get my mother creator to snap, and she murdered my dear, darling father. You should have his spark safely in hand even as we speak. Not that I'm suggesting you might be singularly incompetent or anything.

It answer to your P.P.S., I bet that he's running around trying to prepare for the war to make certain that we don't overextend our reach and get cut off by an avatar of Him or something like that. No doubt he's consulting with the Fallen as we speak, or even The Great Slag Maker himself.

But the war effort is truly going well. Even as we speak we have the once sister cities of Paxius and Vos now at each other's throats ready to kill each other. The city of Iacon is a beautiful gem, hiding its whirling cesspool at the very center. Everything is ripe for destruction. Megatron will be making his move.

I did of course go to the gladiator pits to see what was there, when I found something most unusual. Did you know that it's been long enough in the time line that we're no longer listed as gladiators? Of course, we were gladiators just around the time the Quintessons had just barely been defeated. By the way, I found that there's a single survivor from that time- Omega Supreme. Remember him? He doesn't remember us, but I always hated him.

I got a beautiful plan set in motion to destroy his spirit and set him only on revenge, and it's beautiful in its simplicity. Omega rewrote his programs to guard Crystal City. I contacted an agent over Megs, and got him to whisper into the mechs auditory about reprogramming the Combaticons to destroy the city. If that doesn't set him on the path to destruction, revenge, and the Pits, then I have no idea what will.

I have been looking up our dear, beloved Guard Master, but I haven't seen a single record of him. But if he came before us, he came during the time of the Quintessons. All of our records from that time were lost, so I'm afraid we're outta luck on that. No doubt he's celebrating that fact right now.

Anyways, I gotta run! Got mechs to corrupt and things to do. Give Unicron my hate would you?

Sideswipe.

------

_Dear Sideswipe_,

I said stop calling me Sunny. My name is Sunstreaker, and you will either call me that, or I will risk being sent down to the lowest level once more to kick your aft from this side of the Underworld and into another.

A lot of changes have been going on lately. We no longer have just the Quintesson underworld, but we've got another underworld being set up right next to us. It's some organic squishie's world anyways- They got a three headed dog guarding a gate. Pah, I can't believe that they choose a _dog_ to guard the gates. And do you know what- squishies get back out through that gate all of the time! What's up with that? If you're going to build a gate, and set a guard, at least set up an intelligent guard. They had to have really been looking to find something that's even dumber than you are!

And I think the squishies are out of their minds. Did you know that in the time it took to set up that underworld, they set up another underworld? This time with creepy squishies that have green heads and rip each other's hearts out to weigh them against something like… the deeds they did or something and if they don't pass they get eaten? I swear, can't they come up with a single underworld and keep it?

To get back to matters that are closer to us- The Fallen left for the surface once more. Any idea on why? The guard master has been keeping his mouth shut tight on it, and there's been only one instance when he's been this closed-mouthed about it. And that's when the Fallen turned against his brethren and created a huge amount of guarding for us as those in the underground attempted to break free, remember? If something like that happens again, I am going to complain. Loudly.

He's still reading our letters; I'm certain of it. Today he walked by, and smirked at me. Smirked at me. He has to know our efforts to figure out what his past is.

But I'm not certain what to think about the gladiator pits no longer remembering us. I can still remember practically being in charge of the place- shouldn't we be remembered? Please tell me there's at least a legend of some sort about us! We're now gate guards to the Pits! Why aren't there legends about us?

Sunstreaker

----

Dear Sunstreaker,

I don't have any time for joking or for games. The Fallen has been appearing up on the surface. To Megatron. Can you believe it? After disappearing for so long, he's taken over the business of planning the warfare from the mech originally in charge of him, and is even now figuring out whom to get to give Megatron his support. Apparently, he doesn't like my hard work at recruiting Starscream and his trine. Said they were useless and I should give up on them. Pah, as if!

Did you know that Starscream would be able to recruit half or more of the scientists? Probably not, after all; you're stuck down in the Pits, while I'm up here.

I am guessing there's been a lot going on down in the Pits. Lots of newbie demons have been coming up- they're all fired to drag their first soul on down. Most of them are failing miserably. I can't see how the Fallen stands them. After all, the lot of them flock around him all of the time, and I don't quite understand why.

I've already been hearing tales about the three-headed dog, and the organic squishies that you've had to deal with. What can I say- I feel sorry for you.

Anyways, in answer to your question about us being legends- I haven't really had the chance to go searching around. After all, how suspicious would it be for a mech to go around asking about mechs that don't even appear on the roster, and asking if anyone knows any legends about them, hmm? Very few mechs would look upon me favorably, especially with the war effort going on even as we speak.

Not that many are acknowledging that a war is about to happen- most are content to simply kick back and relax, turn a blind eye to the plight of those underneath them, those that can't afford the already high taxes, and sip their energon.

Makes me truly wish you were here and with me, you know? You with your stupidity to drive a saint mad, and me with my handsome good looks to seduce anything that crosses our path. I really think you'd have a lot of fun on the surface. It's too bad the Guard Master has a stick up his aft and won't allow you to come. Sure you don't want to just abandon your post and come up with me? It'll make the time we spend in the lower levels worth it!

Love, Sideswipe

-----

_Sideswipe_,

I would dearly love to know what exactly you wrote in your last letter to me that had the Guard Master so furious. Congrats on making him mad- but did you have to make him so mad? He's now glowering at me suspiciously, and I'm certain he deleted or erased your last paragraph, which makes me wonder what you said, did you figure out his secret?

I'd be surprised if you did- you were always the stupider, uglier out of the two of us. They should have sent me, but they probably knew they needed someone much more _reliable_ to guard the gate. Something that you wouldn't be able to do at all. You couldn't even guard a tortoise correctly, and if you actually manage to loose one of those, then you are the saddest existence ever created.

I've been busy gating in the souls- are you certain the war hasn't started yet? I haven't had much time to do nothing, and I'm writing this letter in disjointed snatches. Our relief that's supposed to come to help relieve boredom has had to take up guarding with me-

Speaking of which, the Guard Master _and_ the Second in Command have been flittering in and out of here all the time. I didn't believe my optics the first time The Guard Master left. After all, he's never left before, but apparently he's marshaling forces or something like that.

I'm getting quite excited about this war. Did you know the rumor is that this war is to be the last- the one to kill off all of Primus's creations? I'm not certain what to think about such a thing- after all, if we kill all of them off, what are we gonna do after that? But the whole, 'whittle down the population into little more then a thousand or so'. That has some promise.

That would mean more of us could walk freely on the surface without having to worry about those pesky angels or anything like that.

And what do you mean by 'you haven't had time'? You started out as a youngling after you possessed a dead body for Primus sake! You can't honestly mean that you haven't had time, even as a curious youngling and could get away with anything, to get our story, do you? At the very least you could've started spreading it! Strike fear into the sparks of the others or something.

Next time you write, I want a definitive answer. Oh, and next time, tell me what you wrote that has The Guard Master in such a tizzy, alright? The only reason why I'm writing this twice is because I highly doubt that you could actually remember if I told you.

From, Sunstreaker

-------

_Dear Sunny_,

You know, you really know how to warm the spark. After a hard day of fighting in the gladiator pits, sowing discontent, arranging Megatron and Starscream's first meeting, and in general being a good little pit boy, you insult me?

Not only that, but you demand that I rewrite my last paragraph about the Guard Master, when he's probably just going to erase it again. I'll tell it to you when we meet up again, if I can stand your ugly face and your boorish attitudes.

In response to your busier life, yes, that is because of the war. I told you already- many of the cities have become a cesspool with only bright lights on the outer edges. And the funniest thing is, that no other city realizes just how bad off the other city is. They keep competing with one another, attempting to pretend they're the most prosperous, the most beautiful when in all actuality, they aren't.

Of course, bad situations breed bad feelings because those whom are still living worry about such things- and worry about them often. The whole starting of the war has reaped us a beautiful bounty, and hopefully throughout the war it will continue.

By the way, yes I have heard the rumor that this might be the war to end all life. Personally, I wouldn't put much faith into it. After all, Primus has his own way of recreating the species, even if it would take awhile, and he wouldn't allow it. Even as we speak, several factions and groups are disappearing.

Several have disappeared off planet, still others have disappeared underground. Like I said, Primus has a way of making certain we can't kill off all of them. And, amazingly, you hit the nail on the head when you said that we'd probably be out of a job then- or at least our job would be a heck of a lot more boring. And that would never do. We'd have to go have fun at other species equivalent of the Pits, and we both know that usually the guards there are the stiff types.

Then we'd have the time, which I don't have right now, because even as a youngling, in fact when I was pretending to _be_ a youngling, I've been working to start up this war. Yes Sunny, I know, I know, I was supposed to be corrupting the good sparks of others, but we got plenty of time to do otherwise, and I knew it was going to take awhile to start up this war, especially with the Enemy up against us all the time.

Anyways, I hate to admit it, but there are zero legends about us. There are legends about some nameless mechs in some long, convoluted plot thingy that become the gate guards, but I don't think they're referring to us. First and foremost, they said we were born rich, when we were born in the slums, secondly they claimed that we were some of the best fighters even from the beginning when we actually sucked and it's the reason why you sold your soul, and thirdly, apparently we sold our souls together. Just so you know, I don't like having an insane twin, and the only reason why I sold my soul was to make you not only powerful, but still sane. I think I've been gypped.

Your loving twin,

Sideswipe.

---

Sideswipe- I'm coming to kill you now.

----

To The Gate Guards,

WHAT DO YOU TWO THINK YOU'RE DOING? Sunstreaker, you are to return to your post at once, and Sideswipe, _stop messing our plans up_. The war wasn't to take place for another couple hundred vorns after now! After untold suffering!

Moreover, I kindly request that you stop digging around to find my history- you won't find it, and you're both wasting time that could be spent much more _valuably_ then looking up documents. For Unicron's sake, you don't even know my name!

The Guard Master

----

To The Guard Master,

Screw you. We're having fun.

----

To the Guard Master,

Might I ask what an organic squishy was doing inside of the Pits? I find it very disheartening that while on the brink of perhaps our greatest triumph ever, we have such a breakdown in our guarding.

I know that you have been busy arranging it so that way the war effort would go smoothly, key plans would fail and assassins could slip through the cracks, but I fear that your methods may have grown old if such slips are being allowed.

Reply as soon as you dare,

SIC of the Pits.

----

To the SIC,

Shove it up your aft. Our two famous Pit guards that you spent such a _long_ time recruiting have both left for the surface, leaving behind some no-names guarding the gate.

I have already taken steps to ensure that such a thing never happens again. Basically, the three-headed dog in front of our gate is supposed to be there. Don't forget to throw it a soul every now and then, and it won't bite you when you attempt to leave.

As for myself, I will be going up to the Surface to find our wayward Gate Guards. I have already determined what forms they have taken, and I myself will be copying the model type.

I will return as soon as possible, with our gate guards- once I can find them. They have taken steps to cloak their presence and will not be an easy find, especially since I must dodge avatars of Primus along the way.

From,

The Guard Master.

-----

To Unicron, Lord and Master, The great SlagMaker, Ruler of the Universe and the Pits,

I humbly request permission to travel to the surface in order to personally retrieve our two Gate Guards and bring them back to the Pits to guard.

From,

The Guard Master

-----

To The Guard Master,

Permission granted. And get someone to clean out my office. I am currently buried with the little buggers.

From,

Unicron.

* * *

a/n: My gosh, I had so much fun with this. It was yet another bunny from the farm, unfortunatly the post was deleted so I don't have the original link anymore... *Is sad* Ah well, I hope you all enjoy this! Many thanks to my beta, and as allways, please read and review.


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